For the New Souls.

My sisters wedding is in a week from today. I can't believe she's finally doing it, tying the knot. What an incredible day it is going to be, but it is also a dull reminder that time is passing us by so quickly. My future is very undecided at this point and all I really have is the present moment. I am enjoying my life with my amazingly wonderful boyfriend, who just so happens to also be my soul-mate. How cheesy do I sound. But that's the truth. I wrote about it 2 almost 3 years ago, and I'm writing about it again. Love. The only thing that is crucial for a person's survival. I was reading my previous posts about how I was unhappy because I was trying to be happy. And I couldn't understand the purpose of life. How everything seemed to be a competition and how everyone always told you that you need to 'become something of yourself'. You need to get a good career and make your life worth while. Well, I have come to terms with the fact that that is all just bullshit. Life is not about that nor did I want it to be back then. I was however scared to death that that was what my life would consist of. Until I met my soul-mate. He changed my outlook on life and guided me through my journey to 'find myself'. He doesn't quite know it, but I know it. Everything before him was a blur of mixed feelings about everything and everyone. What your parents, friends and teachers don't tell you is that love is not just about having a good and healthy relationship, but it's sole purpose in my opinion, is to interlock two hearts that have been longing for each other for so long, two souls if you will, and create one single being. I know that sounds like a load of complete crap, but it's the only way I know how to put it. It's not about money and social events and anything to distract you from your true purpose on this earth. But it is about finding love. Finding love within yourself, finding love within another person, or finding love through your passions. Whatever it is, love is the only thing that will not only guide you on the right path but will also be the end result to your journey. Congratulations to my amazing big sister, who have always believed in love.

Love,
Penny Lane

When I was away...
I missed everything.
I missed your protection.
I missed your passion for the little things in life.
I missed your ignorance.
I missed your lack of patience in waiting rooms, or in traffic.
I missed your ability to love the little snail on the sidewalk.
I missed your scent, eyes, lips, and heart.
I missed your kindness.
I missed your intelligence.
I missed your completely insane weirdness.
I missed every little particle of your being.
You and your soul.
Your everything. I missed it all.
I want it all. I need it all.
And I would sit on the train and listen to the songs and the sounds and sometimes the lyrics and just think of you. And I would miss all those things over and over again as each song changed. And it would kill me. I remember day dreaming a lot. Day dreaming we were together... laughing in the sun. Laying with each other. Looking into each others eyes. And it would help. It would bring me back to our life. Us. Together. And I knew things were changing just like you did. But I thought they were changing for the worse because I had no idea what this pain in my stomach and heart meant. I lived for the moments I heard your voice over the phone. That sweet, strong voice. I knew it then. And I know it now. And I will remember the change forever. And remember how much I missed you. And how much I needed you. And wanted you there. And I will remember and it will be there in my memory locked away if anything were to ever change again. But moments like these are what makes life worth living. And this I will never forget.

Love Always,
Penny Lane.

It's funny when you realize there's only one thing you want to write about. And that thing is love. How scary is that. I'm sitting here, haven't wrote since January, trying to figure out what the hell I want to say. I'm not a writer, by any means. However, I think writing is a fantastic way to get emotions out. So I want to write about love. Because it is something that is consuming me. Although, I don't quite know if it is even love. Or at least if it's being "in love". I just know I love. And I feel so happy, and appreciative, and strong, and brave, and weak, and vulnerable. I think that's love. I've never been in love before. I've surely been infatuated with someone - I lusted for them. But now that it's over you realize how unreal it really was. How fake it was almost. And when something that is so real and so unique and so natural brushes up against your heart... you start to know the difference. This thing that I am going through is life changing for me. I've never felt so passionate or giddy (yes I'm using the word giddy) before. It's like everything color is brighter, every step is bouncier, every smile is bigger. You are sympathetic for anyone and everyone you see, just because you have no idea if they are getting to feel how you feel or if they have ever felt it. Or maybe they have, but they don't seem as happy as you. No one in the world is as happy as you are. Except for that one other person. That person who is doing this all to you. They know how you feel, they are your other half now. You share everything together, from eggs to emotions. You help them. They help you. You miss their every breath. Their scent, their skin, their tears, their everything. Even if they are right in front of you you still miss them. The whole thing is fucking nuts. And I hate and love god for creating this type of experience. Because with all this love and happiness comes fear and loss. It's the scariest thing knowing tomorrow it could all end. You're dreams, your comfort, your passion... all out the window. In a blink of an eye your whole world is turned around. And there is nothing you can do... but live. And accept. And cherish your moments - live them to the fullest. Experience all you can experience. Love all that you can love. And never regret because at some point in your life it was exactly what you wanted and wished for and desired. And there's nothing more to it. It's the most scariest and beautiful thing in the world. And you are just going along for the ride, hoping it never ends. Love.

Pure Bliss. Bliss? Bliss! No, Bliss...

Ahh... it's been a long time. But I figure, it's the 1st... of this new year. 2009. Jesus Christ. How in the world did that happen? Life is just rushing past us, like a gust of wind, and we're not even realizing it... or maybe i'm just not. Not even enjoying the moment, just worrying about bills and money and family issues and health and... survival. How frustrating. I find myself these days trying to find happiness, because it sure as hell is not finding me. How do you even find happiness? I have yet to figure it out. I guess i'll just continue on doing what I know, what i've always known, and hope that something will turn out for me--preferably with a smile on my face. Thank god for music though, I don't know how we would survive. I hope this new year brings things that the previous years didn't. I hope this year knows that we all need a fucking break, and it gives it to us. I want to wake up and it to be blissful. I want to wake up and want to be waking up. But most of all... I just want that smile, that everything is going to be ok. But in the back of my mind, I absolutely know everything is going to be ok, but I don't truly know how to convince myself of just that. This year will be good. I will have a little faith. Because, truth be told, it has to be good. It has to be.

Love Always.
Penny Lane.

Slow Dancing.

"Be the grandest version of the greatest vision you ever had about who you are."

I wish I knew what the grandest version of my greatest vision about myself was. Sometimes it's so hard to figure and find out who you are; what your purpose is. Why you're here. What you're supposed to accomplish... I hate how hard it is to find that. Shouldn't it be an easy journey? Maybe it should... but it's certainly not. Why is it so much easier to not have any goals then it is to have them and take the risk of either failing or succeeding, or even worse, quiting? I've always wondered this, and I don't know why. But I find myself going over this question over and over again in my head. Throughout my entire day. I find myself wondering if what i'm doing was the right decision for myself. If I took the right leap of faith. And all I really want is for someone to tell me it was the right decision. Or if I could just see my future... and where I am placed in it. I wish it was much more simple. I wish I wish I wish. God, that isn't going to help me is it. Wishing and wanting. Those fucking words and thoughts don't get you anywhere. The Dalai Lama once said... "The purpose of life is to be happy." How do we find our own happiness when our entire lives consist of trying to "be something" worth while. Or just trying to be better. I feel like life is just a big competition. And I hate that because with competition, it's hard to find the happiness. The great, insane, happiness, that our lives are suppose to consist of. I hate how society has become. Maybe i'm just whining. But i'm just trying to find something more. Something more. That's the only sane way I can seem to put it. Maybe i've just been smoking to many cigarettes and working my ass off to become "something worth while".

"Be the grandest version of the greatest vision you ever had about who you are"... I sit here on my comfy, cheep, twin bed, starring at this damn quote plastered on my white wall. Trying to make sense of it. Trying to make sense of anything I suppose... End.

Love.
Penny Lane.

First.

Let it be, eh? So how exactly does one 'let it be'. Does it have to do with letting things go and just feeling content about something, anything? Or is it more the saying of 'this too shall pass...'? Either way, it makes for an incredible Beatles song. These words have shaped the person I have become. Whatever that means. It doesn't matter really. Words are just words... but the feeling you get from understanding them is a totally different thing. Just like the feeling you get when you read a really amazing book. You feel like it's you whose going through it all and you who is living in that story. You cry because you can feel their emotion, you get mad because they did something you know they'll regret. But, in the end they are just words, aren't they? Words on a old, yellow, dusty, piece of paper. But those words can save someone's life. They can create an adventure that you thought was never possible. You can escape from your own reality and be in a world you always wanted for yourself. So well, letting things be, I guess would be this. Let yourself be whatever and whoever you want. Never second guess yourself, and just have some trust. Have a little damn faith. And well... let it be. I guess when you think about it the words are pretty self explanatory, right? They are right there, staring at you, and you can't take your eyes off them. End.

Love.
Penny Lane.