When I was away...
I missed everything.
I missed your protection.
I missed your passion for the little things in life.
I missed your ignorance.
I missed your lack of patience in waiting rooms, or in traffic.
I missed your ability to love the little snail on the sidewalk.
I missed your scent, eyes, lips, and heart.
I missed your kindness.
I missed your intelligence.
I missed your completely insane weirdness.
I missed every little particle of your being.
You and your soul.
Your everything. I missed it all.
I want it all. I need it all.
And I would sit on the train and listen to the songs and the sounds and sometimes the lyrics and just think of you. And I would miss all those things over and over again as each song changed. And it would kill me. I remember day dreaming a lot. Day dreaming we were together... laughing in the sun. Laying with each other. Looking into each others eyes. And it would help. It would bring me back to our life. Us. Together. And I knew things were changing just like you did. But I thought they were changing for the worse because I had no idea what this pain in my stomach and heart meant. I lived for the moments I heard your voice over the phone. That sweet, strong voice. I knew it then. And I know it now. And I will remember the change forever. And remember how much I missed you. And how much I needed you. And wanted you there. And I will remember and it will be there in my memory locked away if anything were to ever change again. But moments like these are what makes life worth living. And this I will never forget.

Love Always,
Penny Lane.

It's funny when you realize there's only one thing you want to write about. And that thing is love. How scary is that. I'm sitting here, haven't wrote since January, trying to figure out what the hell I want to say. I'm not a writer, by any means. However, I think writing is a fantastic way to get emotions out. So I want to write about love. Because it is something that is consuming me. Although, I don't quite know if it is even love. Or at least if it's being "in love". I just know I love. And I feel so happy, and appreciative, and strong, and brave, and weak, and vulnerable. I think that's love. I've never been in love before. I've surely been infatuated with someone - I lusted for them. But now that it's over you realize how unreal it really was. How fake it was almost. And when something that is so real and so unique and so natural brushes up against your heart... you start to know the difference. This thing that I am going through is life changing for me. I've never felt so passionate or giddy (yes I'm using the word giddy) before. It's like everything color is brighter, every step is bouncier, every smile is bigger. You are sympathetic for anyone and everyone you see, just because you have no idea if they are getting to feel how you feel or if they have ever felt it. Or maybe they have, but they don't seem as happy as you. No one in the world is as happy as you are. Except for that one other person. That person who is doing this all to you. They know how you feel, they are your other half now. You share everything together, from eggs to emotions. You help them. They help you. You miss their every breath. Their scent, their skin, their tears, their everything. Even if they are right in front of you you still miss them. The whole thing is fucking nuts. And I hate and love god for creating this type of experience. Because with all this love and happiness comes fear and loss. It's the scariest thing knowing tomorrow it could all end. You're dreams, your comfort, your passion... all out the window. In a blink of an eye your whole world is turned around. And there is nothing you can do... but live. And accept. And cherish your moments - live them to the fullest. Experience all you can experience. Love all that you can love. And never regret because at some point in your life it was exactly what you wanted and wished for and desired. And there's nothing more to it. It's the most scariest and beautiful thing in the world. And you are just going along for the ride, hoping it never ends. Love.

Pure Bliss. Bliss? Bliss! No, Bliss...

Ahh... it's been a long time. But I figure, it's the 1st... of this new year. 2009. Jesus Christ. How in the world did that happen? Life is just rushing past us, like a gust of wind, and we're not even realizing it... or maybe i'm just not. Not even enjoying the moment, just worrying about bills and money and family issues and health and... survival. How frustrating. I find myself these days trying to find happiness, because it sure as hell is not finding me. How do you even find happiness? I have yet to figure it out. I guess i'll just continue on doing what I know, what i've always known, and hope that something will turn out for me--preferably with a smile on my face. Thank god for music though, I don't know how we would survive. I hope this new year brings things that the previous years didn't. I hope this year knows that we all need a fucking break, and it gives it to us. I want to wake up and it to be blissful. I want to wake up and want to be waking up. But most of all... I just want that smile, that everything is going to be ok. But in the back of my mind, I absolutely know everything is going to be ok, but I don't truly know how to convince myself of just that. This year will be good. I will have a little faith. Because, truth be told, it has to be good. It has to be.

Love Always.
Penny Lane.